


What do you want?

by glythandra



Category: Fallen Hero Series - Malin Rydén, Fallen Hero: Rebirth (Video Game)
Genre: Drabble, Experimental Style, F/F, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Meta, POV Second Person, Sort Of, but a warning to be safe, cynthia as a character is pretty self insert for me ngl, in the format of video game options! yay!, its no more referenced in this work than it is in the source material, ramble, sidestep/ortega referenced
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-04
Updated: 2019-05-04
Packaged: 2020-02-18 14:16:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,026
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18701290
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/glythandra/pseuds/glythandra
Summary: Cynthia dives into some introspection. Like always, it gets her nowhere but down.





	What do you want?

"Call me Cynthia, please. Sidestep was seven years ago." So was Cynthia.   
So was Ortega.  
But the past keeps resurfacing lately, doesn't it? And you're not sure what that means.  
There are things you want to forget. Heartbreak, Anathema, the Farm. Things that keep coming up in your memories despite your efforts. And there are things you know you should want to forget. Things like Sidestep, things like Ortega. But deep down, you really don't want to forget them. You want to remember them, worse, you want them back.   
That's why they hurt more than the Heartbreak.   
Maybe there's a little bit of masochism in you, wanting to remember things that hurt you. No, not remember. You don't want to remember what was gone. 

⚪] you want to forget it  
⚪] you want to destroy it  
⚫] you want it back

You hate remembering it because you miss it. You wish you hadn't lost it. And despite yourself, you blame yourself. You know it was your fault, even though it wasn't. The logic around you tells you it wasn't, that it wasn't your fault, but your mind keeps pushing a different narrative. That maybe the reason all this ended so poorly was because of your decisions. Because you weren't good enough, because you didn't try hard enough. Because you lost yourself for too long, because you still haven't found yourself. Because you don't know if you were ever there to be found.   
Because you don't know who you are. And looking back, you're not sure you ever did. 

⚪] focus on the task at hand. ignore what you don't want to remember  
⚪] you're doubting yourself. it's their fault, not yours  
⚫] you don't know what to believe

You're falling fast. You don't know how to catch yourself.

⚫] you don't know if you can

You might be too far gone. You might be dead weight.   
(you might be dead)   
You don't know if you can catch yourself. 

⚫] you don't know if you want to

This isn't the right path. You aren't doing the right thing. You thought your villain label was just for show, just to show which side you were on, the one against them. You thought you were right.   
Now you know you're wrong.   
You should stop.

⚫] you don't know if you want to

You should want to leave this all. You should want to destroy it. You should want to protect it. You should want to kill Ortega. You should want to kiss her. 

⚫] you want to kiss her

You should want a lot of things. You want some things. The amount of things you should want far outweighs the amount of things you do want. You contradict yourself.   
You don't have a self to contradict. 

⚫] Ortega

You have Ortega. That's about all you have. You wish you cared about your plan. You wish you cared about Dr. Mortum, like you tried. You tried to care about him. You tried to be John. You liked it. But it wasn't being. It was acting.   
You wish you cared about Rosie. For a while, you thought you did. You convinced yourself you did. It was an act. A performance that tricked your own mind.

You're such a damn good actor. You have such a damn good mind. 

You wish you cared about the Rangers. You wish you hated them with a passion. You wish you were strong enough to kill them. 

⚫] you are strong enough to kill them

And that's the worst part. Because you could do it if you wanted to.   
But you don't.   
You should want to.  
You should want a lot of things.  
But you're tired. You don't remember what it's like to want. You don't remember what victory feels like. You don't remember motivation. 

⚫] you're tired

You're so tired. You don't know how to be anything other than tired. Your smiles are fake. You don't know if they look real or not. Your care is fake. If you fake it, you'll make it. 

⚫] that phrase hasn't worked in twenty years

If you pretend it works, it will. Fake it until you make it.

⚫] you can't fake this. you don't know how. you're tired.

You're so damn tired. 

⚫] you don't know the last time you weren't tired.

Was it before Heartbreak? It couldn't have been any sooner. 

You don't want to be tired.   
You don't want anything. 

⚪] what do you want?  
⚪] do you want anything?  
⚪] do you want Ortega?  
⚪] do you want nothing?  
⚪] do you want to prove yourself?  
⚪] do you want to kill them?  
⚪] do you want to teach them a lesson?  
⚪] do you want to fix things?  
⚪] do you want to make things worse?  
⚪] do you want revenge?  
⚪] do you want to be reborn?  
⚪] do you want retribution?   
⚪] do you want anything?   
⚪] do you want nothing?  
⚪] you can't just keep asking questions  
⚪] you have to answer at some point  
⚪] come on cynthia, answer  
⚪] answer  
⚪] you don't have an answer  
⚪] you can't just keep listing options  
⚪] you can't keep making up options  
⚪] especially when you don't know where they'll lead  
⚪] especially when you don't know the answer  
⚪] you can't keep making up options  
⚫] you're running out of options

You're running out of options 

⚫] no i'm not

You are. 

What do you want? 

⚪] nothing  
⚪] anything  
⚪] Ortega  
⚫] yourself

Really? That's what you want?

⚪] no  
⚫] yes

You always want what you can't have. 

What do you want? 

⚪] nothing  
⚪] anything  
⚫] Ortega  
⚪] yourself

You're right. You want Ortega.   
But you can't have her either.   
You've already fucked up that option.   
You fucked up that route.   
You made a decision you can't go back on.   
Maybe there's a way to go back. 

⚫] there isn't. i've checked, there's no way to go back without restarting.

What do you want? 

⚫] nothing  
⚪] anything  
⚪] Ortega  
⚪] yourself

Do you want to restart?   
Do you want to end it all? 

⚪] like with Heartbreak?   
⚪] like with the gun to your mouth?  
⚪] like walking out the window?  
⚪] like rebirth?  
⚫] no

Start over from the beginning? 

⚫] Cancel  
⚪] OK

You can't have nothing. 

What do you want? 

⚪] nothing  
⚫] anything  
⚪] Ortega  
⚪] yourself

Cynthia Basri, you should know better by now. 

You can't have anything. 

⚪] that's okay  
⚪] that's bullshit  
⚪] that's the way things are  
⚫] fine

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! First fic up in a while, and first Fallen Hero fic. I super related to the MC of this game/novel and i wanted to do something to put my creativity into it. Just a short drabble, might write some more later but I don't really have any plot to continue on. Mostly this was just self indulgent and projecting my own mental health issues dfjkh. Hope you enjoyed. As always, you can contact me on tumblr and twitter @ glythandra, but do be nice.


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